In my quest for learning, I have been reflecting upon the human choice of lying (or deceit) versus telling the truth. It is a presenting concern and at the root of why many people (all ages) seek counseling.
All kinds of instances of lying are present in our media and examples of celebrities caught in deceit or lies. Facts versus opinion wreak havoc and can mimic a lie. And research finds that most of us lie, often in small ways, such as the little white lies, omitting information, the wanting someone to feel better kinds of ways.
Bigger stake lies can have a toll on personal and professional relationships. When their is a pattern of lying, this can be especially harmful. It can become such a habit that it is commonplace and one can even begin lying to themselves in the process. For the person lying, justification and denial, for instance, serve the ego’s purpose to protect oneself and to stay out of trouble or avoid personal responsibility for one’s actions. And it can feel like crazy making in relationships, impacting trust, the bond and safety.
To explore this further, I wanted to examine, ‘What is lying anyway?’ It has the distinct characteristics of a person knowingly making false statements, being misleading or deceptive or sharing incorrect information.
Through this process of exploration, I decided to take a closer look at the drawbacks of lying and I came up with this list of 10.
1) Lying can protect one’s reputation (or ego) from possible criticism or getting in trouble. And while this is the myth to the human psyche, it is temporary if caught in a lie.
2) A pattern of lying can leave a non-integrous impression. Being seen as a “liar” has no positive connotations to it. Trust being lost can be the consequence.
3) It seems like so much work to lie, especially when one has to rememeber what they said earlier and there is potential to contradict themselves later.
4) Deceit entails omitting the truth and trickery and shows a lack of value for the other.
5) It seems a little fear based to lie and it is very self focused (avoiding one’s own discomfort) when making this choice. The feelings that come with lying are definitely on the negative end of the spectrum (e.g., guilt, shame, hurt, anger, avoidance, etc.) both in the telling and with being caught.
6) Once caught in a lie, it can be awkward for relationships and one must choose how to manage this. There is the “high road response,” personal responsibility and humble sorrow. Or the “low road response,” justification, more lying, denial or blaming someone or something besides themselves.
7) The aftermath of a lie can be hurtful, creating mistrust, a sense of betrayal, pain, etc.
8) Lies with deceit can be agonizing internally for some and have dire outcomes (e.g., ruin relationships, lose jobs, ruin reputations, etc.).
9) How can one trust someone who lies in general and especially with a pattern of it? Rebuilding after this could entail being under a watchful eye.
10) Why lie? The drawbacks are so counter-productive to relationships and the sense of trust necessary.
With all of this said, it seems that there is less courage and potential self growth when vering from the truth. And truth in its delivery, timing and sensitivity to the other makes a difference.
To be fair though, let’s examine the drawbacks of telling the truth.
1) Someone might get hurt or there could be conflict.
2) Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth or can’t hear it.
3) There can be ill effects (big and small) from telling the truth
Can you think of other drawbacks with telling the truth? Truth can be hard and life is not always easy when choosing it.
That old saying, “The Truth will set you free,” has merit. Holding lies or secrets can be painful no matter how we look at it. And let’s face it, we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all lie on occasion. It behooves us to remember compassion and forgiveness, amidst this. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, nor accepting another’s actions. It also does not necessarily mean that one stays in a relationship where a destructive pattern of lying continues. Regardless of the outcome, lying has on a relationship, working towards forgiveness assists the person betrayed to move on. It is the way out of any pain caused for both parties.
For the person that has lied, there is a potential to learn from the situation or do it better the next time that they have a similar circumstance. Being humble and taking responsibility serves any relationship. Learning from our mistakes sometimes can be our greatest gifts towards our own self growth. There are lots of reasons that a person chooses to lie. Learning the root of these in order to not repeat this seems important.
With all of this said, the plethora of benefits of being honest outweigh the choice to be dishonest. I know that it feels better to walk through the world with truth and honesty both for oneself and those that surround us. There seems to be more courage, love, integrity, respect and trust (thus stronger relationship bonds) that comes with a pattern of compassionate truth versus the opposite drawbacks of lying. For me, this means only that the truth does prevail!
What do you think?
Yes! Yes! Yes! The hurt that deceit causes is never worth any short term benefits of the lie. I especially like that you included self – deceit in this discussion.
Being a pastor with a degree in Christian Counseling, your observations are right on the money. I will be using this in my preaching, teaching, and counseling. Thanks for your insight.